Assertiveness Skills and Managing Conflicts

Are Singaporeans assertive? To the many I posed this question to, it appears there is no clear answer. Most felt that assertiveness should be comprised especially so in a family context but agree that employers do reward employees for being assertive in various scenarios at the workplace. There were however many different definition to being assertive, from being outright rude and demanding to being polite but clear and firm on their communication.

How important are ‘assertiveness skills’ then, valued in today’s business world? How essential is assertive skills considered in our business communication between different hierarchies as well as amongst peers?

Definition of ‘assertiveness’:

'The ability to communicate our thoughts, feelings and ideas, both positive and negative, in an open and honest way which does not abuse our rights or the rights of others’.

Benefits of Being Assertive

What are some of the benefits of having a good grasp of assertiveness skills? Firstly, one can expect fewer conflicts in our dealings with our peers as we are better able to understand and not assume each other’s feelings and emotions. Indirectly, this will result in less stress in our career lives. Being skillful in honest and open communication will allow a more efficient way to achieve our business needs and goals and at the same time, help others get their needs met as well. We will enjoy stronger, more supportive business relationships and perhaps the most important of all, lead a healthier lifestyle.

So why are we not communicating in an ‘assertive ‘manner?
So if being ‘assertive’ is such a good thing, why are so many of us afraid of being assertive? From a casual survey with my colleagues and business associates, the number one reason is the fear of displeasing others or not being liked. One of our basic human instincts is the need to be wanted. As such, we try as much as we can not to jeopardize the possibility of being ‘unwanted’ or better put, ‘unloved’. Other reasons for not being assertive would include avoiding immediate confrontation and unpleasantness. Interestingly, many also attributed it to low self-esteem and/or lack of confidence.

Consequence of non- assertive communication at the workplace

So what happens when a person is unable or prohibited to communicate his/her thoughts openly at his/her workplace? Informal surveys indicate that the common consequences would be depression, resentment and frustration amongst the person and his/her immediate colleagues. Studies have also shown that it can lead to violence, anxiety and poor relationships of all kinds. Psychologists even go so far to attribute that severe inhibition to open communication is the likely cause of physical complaints and parenting problems.

How can we be ‘assertive’?

Amongst the various ways to be assertive, one of the most effective yet often overlooked methods is the exhibit non verbal assertive behavior. What is non verbal assertive behavior and how does one manifest such behaviors at the workplace? Here are some typical examples:

1. Look directly at the person you are talking to, eye to eye.

2. Sit or stand up tall with a straight back. Speak clearly, audibly, and firmly.

3. Emphasize your most important points with gestures and facial expressions.

4. Avoid mumbling, whispering, or sounding as if you are asking a question when you are not.

5. Do not whine or use an apologetic tone of voice.

It is said that effective non verbal behaviors communicates up to 70 percent of the speaker’s intended message.

How do I know if I possess good verbal assertive skills?

In other words, how can I assert verbal behavior without offending others? Here are some simple pointers:

 Always ask questions to find out thoughts, requirements, etc. of others

 Offers suggestions and ideas, not advice

 Never blame others

 Speak with a steady voice, clear, well pitched, warm and sincere

 Use the ‘I’ statements. E.g. ‘I prefer’, ‘I’d like’

 Speak with clear concise statements, to the point.

 Focus on what can be done, not what can’t be done

 Offer problem solving statements

 Be able to give and receive feedback, both developmental and motivational

Keep it Cool

I am often asked the question “is being calm and assertive on the opposite behavioral spectrum?” So what happens when one finds it a challenge to be assertive while maintaining cool head? Here are some ‘cool’ tips:

 Tell the person you'll take up the subject again at another time, and leave.

 If you decide to stick it out - Remain calm, steer the conversation back to the original point

 Try to understand the other person's point of view.

 Appreciate there may be other issues motivating the behavior of the other person

 Don't take heat-of-the-moment criticisms to heart

 Learn from the experience and try to think up better ways to negotiate a similar scenario

Summary

Assertive skill can be learnt and acquired. With the above tips, there are no excuses on being a master in effective communicating, except the excuse one creates to excuse oneself from being a excellent manager.

Article Contributed by Alvin Yapp, Associate Director of Training Edge International
Email : Alvin.Yapp@trainingedgeasia.com,
Website : www.trainingedgeasia.com

Get what you want - nicely

ARE Singaporeans assertive? To the many I posed this question to, it appears there is no clear answer.


Most agreed that employers reward employees for being assertive in various scenarios at the workplace. There were, however, many definitions of assertiveness — from being demanding to being polite but firm about the outcome one wanted to achieve.

Assertiveness is defined as the ability to communicate our thoughts, feelings and ideas, both positive and negative, in an open and honest way that does not abuse our rights or the rights of others.

Benefits

What are some of the benefits of being assertive? First, you can expect fewer conflicts in your dealings with your peers.

Being skilful at honest and open communication will help you achieve your business goals without hindering others from meeting their needs as well.

Indirectly, this will result in less stress in your work life. You will enjoy stronger, more supportive business relationships and lead a healthier lifestyle. If assertiveness is such a good thing, why are so many of us afraid of being assertive? From a casual survey of my colleagues and business associates, the number one reason is the fear of displeasing others or not being liked.

One of our basic human instincts is the need to be wanted.

As such, we try very hard not to jeopardise our likeability. Other reasons for not being assertive would include avoiding immediate confrontation and unpleasantness.

Interestingly, many also attributed not being assertive to low self-esteem and/or a lack of confidence.

Consequences

So what happens when you are unable to or prohibited from communicating your thoughts openly in the workplace? Informal surveys indicate that the common consequences are depression, resentment and frustration. Studies have also shown that an oppressive environment can lead to violence, anxiety and poor work relationships.

Psychologists even go so far as to attribute severe inhibition to open communication as the likely cause of physical illness and parenting problems.

How to be Assertive

Among the various ways to boost assertiveness, one of the most effective yet often overlooked methods is to exhibit non-verbal assertive behaviour in the workplace. Here are some typical examples:

Look directly at the person you are talking to, eye to eye;

Sit or stand up tall with a straight back. Speak clearly, audibly and firmly;

Emphasise your most important points with gestures and facial expressions;

Avoid mumbling, whispering or sounding as if you are asking a question when you are not; and

Do not whine or use an apologetic tone of voice.

Effective non-verbal behaviour communicates up to 70 per cent of the speaker’s intended message.

You can assert yourself without offending others. Here are some simple pointers:

Always ask questions to find out other people’s opinions and requirements;

Offers suggestions and ideas, not advice;

Never blame others;

Speak with a steady voice in a clear, well-pitched, warm and sincere tone;

Use “I” statements. For example, “I prefer”, “I’d like”;

Speak in clear, concise statements that are to the point;

Focus on what can be done, not what can’t be done;

Offer problem-solving statements; and

Give and receive feedback,

both developmental and motivational.

Keep it cool

Do you find it a challenge to be assertive while maintaining a cool head? Here are some “cool” tips:

Tell the person you will discuss the subject at another time, and leave;

If you decide to stick it out, remain calm and steer the conversation back to the original point;

Try to understand the other person's point of view;

Appreciate there may be other issues motivating the behaviour of the other person;

Don't take heat-of-the-moment criticisms to heart; and

Learn from the experience and try to think up better ways to negotiate in a similar scenario.

Assertive skills can be learned and acquired. Use these tips to master the art of effective communication and become an excellent manager.

Article by Alvin Yapp, associate director of Training Edge International. He has designed and delivered programmes on assertiveness, team-building, emotional intelligence, problem solving and decision-making. E-mail: Alvin.Yapp@trainingedgeasia.com  Website: www.trainingedgeasia.com